


I'm Not Fine At All

by one_and_only



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: :(, Based on Amnesia, F/M, Goodbye, I have a lot of feelings, I hope it doesn't make you want to die a million deaths, I love whoever is reading this, Just sad in general, SO SAD, Sad Luke, because I sure do, i'M SAD, why would anyone write a song that sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-08
Updated: 2014-06-08
Packaged: 2018-02-03 20:38:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1756515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/one_and_only/pseuds/one_and_only
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Luke misses her. So much.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Not Fine At All

Luke pulled into the driveway, relieved to be home. He was glad to stop driving; he couldn't think straight. He couldn't stop thinking of Kat. He missed her. So much. He buried his face in his hands; biting his lip to fight away tears. He'd passed her favorite bar on the way home; he remembered their first date. She'd taken him there after they'd gone to a movie. To this day he couldn't remember what it was about, but the way she sat, leaning into him, tucked under his arm-- he remembered this perfectly. He remembered how she'd looked up at him, biting her lip, then pressed a soft kiss on his cheek. He remembered how he'd taken her chin in his hands and kissed her lips. He remembered exactly how it had felt; he remembered the taste of her mint chapstick and how soft her skin was. He remembered the way his stomach felt like it was exploding, but in the good way. He knew, then and there, that Kat was The One. Luke had never felt that way before, and he was quite certain he'd never feel quite the same about anyone as he'd felt about Kat.

Luke walked up the stairs and ran past the bathroom, laying face first on the bed, crying into a pillow. He didn't go into that bathroom anymore; it was too hard. He hadn't cleared any of her stuff out. Last week he'd gone in the middle of the night by accident; he'd forgotten. When he turned on the light; he'd seen her makeup and her hairbrushes and her lotions. Now Luke only used the downstairs bathroom; he'd had to call Ashton over to move his toothbrush and everything downstairs. He still slept in their bed, though. He missed her scent; everyday it faded out of the pillows more and more. He sat up, wiping off his tears. This should be new to Luke-- before Kat had gone away he rarely cried. But now? Now it was a common occurence. 

He pulled on a sweatshirt; it was initially his but it had been her favorite thing to wear. It still smelled like her. "You know that's technically mine, love," he'd always told her. She's fake pout. "But what about what's mine is yours?" she's ask, fake sad. "Of course, Kat, I'd give the world to you if I could," he'd say, pulling her in for a slow kiss.

He ran downstairs to the kitchen. Kat had hated cooking, Luke didn't know how until he'd met her. Once they got serious, he learned to cook for her. He did all the cooking; she would sit on the counter swinging her legs, keeping him company. He would tease her, ask her when she was planning to help him. She would throw her head back, laughing, wrapping her legs around his waist. "Why do I need to cook when I can just bribe you with sexual favors?" she would tease. Luke fell to the ground, crumbling into a ball. He wrapped his hands around his knees, rocking back and forth.

He willed himself to stand up and went into the living room. He looked at the couch, remembering countless hookups on that very couch. The first time Luke and Kat had slept together was on that couch; the first time he had told her he loved her was sitting on that floor. He remembered exactly, every little detail. It was all so silly. They had built a blanket fort; she'd been so excited about it. She had grabbed all the extra blankets from the end of their bed, throwing at them at Luke so he could carry them downstairs. She jumped on his back and he carried bother her and the blankets downstairs. When they'd finished building they both crawled underneath the blankets, Luke sitting up; Kat's head on his lap. He'd sat with one hand playing with her hair, the other holding their hands together. "Your hands are so little," he'd said fondly. "Well your hands are just gigantic," she'd retorted. "No, it's cute. I like it," he'd assured her. "I like your hands too," Kat said to him. "I like your hair," he responded, twisting her chin-length brown hair in his fingers. "I like your lip ring," she told him. "Well I don't like you at all," he said suddenly. "Haha, you're hilarious," she said sarcastically, still playing with his hands. "I'm serious!" He defended. "I don't like your little hands, I don't like your beautiful hair, I don't like your beautiful face. I don't like how selfless you are, I don't like how charming you are, I don't like how you bite your lip when you're nervous," he continued. "What's your point?" Kat asked, sitting up. "Kat?" He asked shyly. "I don't like you one bit. But guess what?" She looked up at him. "What?" she asked. "I love all of those things." He leaned forward and kissed her deeply. "I love you too," she whispered, then smiled into the kiss. Luke sat down on the couch, lying down. He had loved Kat so much; he loved her more than anybody had ever loved anyone else.

Luke stood up and dashed up the stairs, back into their bedroom. He went to the drawer on her side of the bed, which he now slept on. He opened it and pulled out a piece of jewelry, the only jewelry Kat had been bothered to wear every day. The diamond engagement ring Luke had given to her seven months ago, four months before she... before she went away. He'd proposed with a scavenger all around the house, giving her little gifts with her clues. It had led up to their room, filled with candles and flowers. It had been cheesy and it had been overdone, but it had been so perfectly Kat and Luke. Luke laid down on the bed, on her side of the bed, hands on his head. He wished, today and every day, that he could have saved her.

Luke walked slowly over to the bathroom, flipping on the lights. He shut his eyes and breathed in deeply, then opened them and turned to the shower. He let a tear fall down his cheek as he remembered her body, lying there, limp and lifeless. He'd scooped her up and rushed her to the hospital, not believing it. Not believing her. He didn't,  _couldn't_ , believe the cold body on the floor, loose grasp around a small, empty pill bottle. Her heart had stopped beating by the time she'd gotten to the hospital; Luke hadn't saved her in time. She hadn't even left a note. She couldn't even do the common curtesy of leaving her fiancee a small explanation as to why his soul mate was leaving forever.  "Why?" he shouted, falling to his knees, hoping she'd hear wherever she was. "Why did you go, Kat? Why did you leave me? I could have helped you.  _I could have saved you,_ " Luke sobbed. "Goddamn it. Goddamn  _you_ , Kat. I loved you. I love you still, three months later and I'm just as broken as when I found you. You ruined me. I can't fucking live like this. I can't fucking live without you." Luke went over and snatched a pen, a paper, and his razor.  _This is for you, Kat,_ he wrote down messily, tears splotching the ink. He dragged the razor vertically over his wrist and shut his eyes. "I guess this is the end," he said quietly, hoping to see her soon.

***

Luke woke up in a bright white room. "Kat?" he asked quietly. "No, Michael. And Calum and Ashton, and your mother and your brothers and a million other people who care about you," he heard a voice, presumably Michaels. Luke looked up. "What? Where am I? Where's Kat?"

"You're in the hospital," his mother said quietly. "Luke, baby, you tried to _kill yourself_  three nights ago. What were you thinking?"

"I miss her, mum. I can't do this, I can't be without her for another second."

"Well dammit, Luke, we'd miss you too!" Calum shouted. "You loved her, and she's gone, and we feel for you. We really do. We all loved Kat too, maybe differently, maybe not as much. But do you know how fucking hard it is to find your best friend on his bathroom floor, blood pooled at his side?"

"Yeah, Cal. Yeah I do!" Luke shouted. "That's how I found Kat, if you've forgotten. I found my fiancee, my best friend, my fucking soulmate dead on the floor. So don't tell me I don't understand."

Calum softened. "Look, man, I'm sorry, really. I'm so sorry, I was being insensitive. We can't loose you too, mate."

"You have each other," Luke said quietly to all of them, after a silence. "You'll have each other, you won't need me. You don't. All I want is to wake up with her beside me tomorrow, like all of this is just some... some prank that the universe is playing on me, a twisted dream. If that happened, I'd hold her closer than I ever did, and I wouldn't have left her alone. I would've gotten her help, and I would never have let her die alone. I need her. I'm not okay.  _I'm not okay._ " Luke broke down, sobbing heavily. "I'm not fine at all."

"Luke, whatever it was, it wasn't your fault," Ashton said, trying to comfort him. "You couldn't have known. None of us did."

"None of you were her boyfriend, none of you planned on forever with her. None of you promised to always protect her."  


"You tried your best, mate."

"It clearly wasn't enough! I didn't protect her from herself, okay? I tried my best and it didn't work. I wasn't enough." He let out another loud sob. 

***

When Luke got sent home three days later, the guys insisted on staying with him. He stayed locked in his room, staring at the engagement ring. Some of her wedding catalogues still got sent to that address; those were the worst days. There would be no wedding. There was never going to be a wedding, because Kat was never coming back. Luke was never going to kiss those beautiful lips again. Luke would never bring a smile to that face again. Kat would never be Luke's wife, and he would never be her husband. Kat would never laugh at one of his jokes again; Kat would never make him laugh again. She would never pull at his lip ring while they made out. She would never wrap her legs around his waist again; she would never steal his shirts again or kiss his neck or lovingly mock his accent ever again. 

Two weeks later, Luke Hemmings crashed his car into a brick wall. He was pronounced dead upon arrival. The general public were heartbroken by this tragedy, upset that he had lost his life so young. But those close to him, they knew the truth. Yeah, maybe Luke had been driving drunk. But he'd been sober enough to know that he didn't want to be alive anymore. Luke had known what he was doing when he ended his own life. He was trying to be with her again. As all of his closest friends and family mourned Luke just two months after losing Kat, they realized that they'd lost Luke the second she died. He'd died in a car "accident," but Kat had killed him when she left. 

They hoped he was with her now.

They hoped that somewhere, up in heaven, Luke was waking up with Kat in his arms and everything else he'd talked about. 

They hoped he would meet her in whatever afterlife he believed in.

They hoped Luke and Kat would be forever.


End file.
